Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice...really without knowing she was giving me advice. But it was exactly what I needed at that particular minute in time. She told me about "stepping back and finding the love of self to fulfill ones self". And in that one minute I got it. It was like a revelation. I am looking so hard into my relationship with J lookig for some type of "fulfillment". And when I was not getting what I thought I needed, it caused this depression for lack of a better word, this funk, that maybe she backed way off because finding me was enough for her. And I wanted more. But now, I am no longer going to look at my reunion, or lack there of, in that same light. I am stepping into 2008 looking at this as my self love and self fulfillment. Having J want me in her life would have been phenomenally great. Having my buncle and his family in my life, fabulous too. But my lightbulb above my head has gone off. And that is when I figured out that I am no less happy than I was before they arrived in my life. I am no less me for them choosing not to be a part of it. I am enriched with the knowledge that I have been given about my past. I am not angry anymore. I am not going to spend anymore time on what if or what might be. Life is too short. I am content. And for my friend who gave me this gift, I am eternally grateful.

My search really started when the courts told me that my last name started with a "K". I started by looking up all of the high schools list for Allegheny County, Pennsyvania. Once I had those I went to classmates.com and started going through everybody listed for the years '67 & '68. Diane graduated in '68 just after I was born. I found 2 people with the name Diana and 4 with the name Diane. I was able to eliminate 4 of the people by either age or name(one graduated in '67, another was to young, one had a polish last name and the others birthdate was to late in the year). Diane was almost 18, so her birthday wasn't to far away. I checked on info for these to and they seamed to fit. One person seamed to fit really well. Then I asked my CI if my bgrandfather was still alive and she said "no." I looked up both of the last names and I person had died thatfit my bgrandfathers info. I asked my CI if he had died along time ago or not and she told me 2004 and that his second wife had also died in 2001. This didn't fit with any info that I had found. I was sure that I didn't have the right people. I spent some time going through the obits for Pittsburgh area for 2004 and finially found him. It fit the name that I had and it listed both Diane's name and her husbands. It listed Diane's brother and his wife as well as my bgrandfather's 2nd wife and her to kids with spouses. His picture is also posted with the obit. Now all I have to do is figure out which Diane (with her last name as there are several) is her. But I do believe I might have it figured out. I just need to do some cross referancing. I will not try to contact her until the CI has finished her job and hope that Diane will respond that way as I don't want to scare her. The CI is still waiting a responce to the second letter that she sent out registered. I will just sit back and wait but now I know that if nothing happens with the CI, I know that I am not done.

April 30, 2006 I updated my information on a registry site and a search angel was able to get in contact with my birthgrandparents. They want contact with me and we spoke on the phone for over an hour the other day. They told me that my b-mom was upset when they told her I was looking for her. She has not told her daughter about me, but thats OK. I am extremly happy with what I have now and I would not change anything.

I write here today, because I awoke in such a great , energetic, happy mood, checked into the forums, and was so totally floored by a certain member, that attempted to clean the floor with a reply in a post I made...meant for Firstmoms, I as usual ..with stupidity thought I could finally post where I could tell my true feelings about my twins. Not so, these forums, I had always felt were for ALL of us to come learn, vent, cry, listen and hear, others and their journies. I thought, since I had no one in my everyday world to open up to about my journey with the twins, this was a perfect place to come to. I have always enjoyed coming and listening, responding, and sometimes give gut honest opinions...I thought that was what the forums were for. I will come here now, for I know I am safe here, I cannot hurt anyone here in my own journal world. I still can purge my pain, feelings, and love that are deep inside me..without being told I have no right to do so. It has taken me 45 minutes to stop crying..thank GOD my hottie is hauling hay, for I would not like him to see me this upset. He is such an amazing gentle sole, he made me feel like a queen again this morning. We have now been married 10 yrs. I have only had 3 partners , and all 3 have been husbands. So I am not the most experienced at telling whether he is the best(especially at 62 yrs old), but I can imagine none any better. We enjoy trying new things,and always have the best time doing so. I must go take a tractor to the field..I just needed to come to my safe place, and get rid of my anger/sadness, from realizing this place is not for me..the forums that is. I know when one comes here, the adoption journeys are not always a pleasant happy place, quite the opposite actually. I knwo that we all have differing opinions, and because the subjet of our lives is adoption, there will be advers opinions that will cause some heated replies. I just thought ALL were welcome to have their voice heard...in a respectful manner...I was wrong!

Native children are languishing in state care in unthinkable numbers, far higher than ever lived in residential schools at any one time. Canada remains so traumatized by the sixties scoop,Ӕ the widespread adoption of native children into white homes, that it allows the native children of today to grow up without a permanent home of their own. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/editorials/native-children-also-have-the-right-to-parents/article1833657/

....It was sort of a shock to realize that on my oldest son's last birthday I became a person who has been a mother for more then half my life! WOW it meant a whole lot more considering the fact I am still changing diapers! When I started to really think about it long and hard I came to understand so much about who I am and what I want from the days I have left in this life. I remember knowing that my only real dream in life was to be a mother and that if I never accomplish much of anything else -- that will be enough for me. What is being a mother all about to me? I guess it is all about being the CEO of the future generation... I have never seen it as a job of doing dishes, changing diapers or showing up at the school talent show on time... I have seen my job as a mom not as raising children--but as raising Adults. After all if I am lucky enough to live a long life I should be the mother of ADULTS for much longer then the years it took to raise them.... I have learned with the older children that those things I thought were so important as a mom ended up being the least important to my children. They do not remember that Christmas when I had the choice of paying the gas bill or buying them all the presents that they wanted. They remember the homemade Orange Rolls that we had on Christmas morning much more then the gifts that were under the tree. Those homemade rolls I made one year when they were so very little because I found we had all the ingrediants and I could make something to feed my children....those rolls that I thought were just making do in a bad situation have been one of the most important traditions of my kids lives and we have not had a single Christmas without them since. I have learned that as important as I felt it was to find a way to pay for Ballet and TakWonDo classes my adult children do not even remember them... and what they remember is the fun we had after school with crayons and paper shopping bags. I have learned that all those PTA meetings I attended never meant a thing to my children but that one night I had to work instead of seeing the Marching Band's competition meant a whole lot more then anything else did. I have learned to set my priorities by looking through the eyes of the children.... Those expensive dance classes are no longer important this second time around for me... I have had a lucky break in my life because I am actually a mother who has been given two chances to do it right. First with my biological children and now with my two adopted siblings... The span of time between these chances and the input from my older kids have given me both confidence and regret. The confidence to make some adjustments to the ways I messed up before and the regret because I did mess up. The interesting part is that I expect that I will hear new ways I blew it down the line...I think this is a part of being a mom. My life is happy and I feel very blessed in that I have had the chance to be a mom four times in my life......

My husband's brother and sister, ages 12 and 13 are currently living with us. They found drugs in their father's house and their mother and her boyfriend are alcoholics and it's just not a happy household. The children are wanting to live with us permanently. Are they of age to choose where they live? Can we go about adopting them or achieving custody without a huge ugly custody battle (the mother wants them back at the end of the school year.) Please help!!!

i have yet not come to terms that my baby is being raised by someone else. I thought i did but i was proved wrong by my mother. She told me that i know that i did the right thing but that i have yet not come to terms with it. That i still have not closed that chapter in my life. That i am holding on to the memories of what if. When i know that the what if would of never been possible. So i am finding myself asking myself how do i come to term with this and learn to accept this? If anyone that reads this entry has advice i would really appreciate recieving it because i am going crazy insane. You know her adopted parents email me and send pics via email and i get happy when i see that it is them but about an hour after i just go into utter depression. Is the emails healthy for me? i could not bare to look at the last pics that they sent me via email. i closed it out and ran to my room and cryed. I saw that the pics had the blanket that i made her during my pregnancy and all i could do was run away and cry. It hurts me so much. I love her to much. And i just cant let go.

I SHOULD BUY A NICE CARD AND TELL HER I LOVE HER, I'LL WAIT AND SEE IF SHE WRITES BACK. SO, THAT'S MY NEXT STEP. LOVE TO ALL, NANA JANE